Owning It

1.7.0.

I cringe as I type those numbers because they represent a number I never thought I would see, at least not when referencing my weight.  This is the biggest I have ever been, save for when I was almost 33 weeks pregnant with triplets.  I see that number, and I can't believe it's real.  My weight has climbed somewhat steadily over the past 2 years, and I don't know why.

I haven't made any significant changes to my lifestyle, I eat the same, have the same level of activity, get roughly the same amount of sleep, etc., so why the change in my body?  I could attribute it to many things: stress, age, some bouts with depression, but honestly, I really think it has been my way of thinking.

You see, I've never really had to worry about my weight.  I've always been able to eat quite a bit of whatever I want and not have it show. I guess there has been a part of me that continues to think this is the case.  I rationalize my bad choices away.  It's only this once.  It's not like I do this everyday. It's just one bite (which, inevitably becomes 3 or 4).

I think another part of my problem is that I have what I like to call Reverse Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I look in the mirror, and I see a petite cute thing staring back at me.  Then I see a picture of myself and that Bitch named Reality smacks me in the face.  Don't get me wrong, I am not huge.  I am currently a size 8.  I carry most of my weight in my mid-section and my cheeks, and I hide my weight well (thank God for maxi-dresses, right?).

I have been seeing an endocrinologist, and we are trying to get to the root of the problem. I just know I can do better and be better than what I am right now. I'm sharing this with the blogosphere in hopes that, by owning up to where I currently am, I'll be able to reset my line of thinking, make some changes and then, hopefully, start to SEE and FEEL some changes.

I have dropped gluten from my diet, I don't drink alcohol during the week, I exercise at least twice a week (better than nothing, right?), so things should start to change.  Maybe by saying the number out loud, by posting it for you all to see ( and hopefully not snicker), I'll start to feel MORE accountable.

1.7.0. I'm owning it, whether I want to or not.